Good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe it.

Neil DeGrass Tyson

Optimism and delusion are two TOTALLY different things.

Adam Levine / Twitter

The symptom of depression is depression.
If you take away the symptom...
You Don't Have Depression!

Craig Ferguson / A Wee Bit o' Revolution

Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer, dead at 53.
I know, it is sad.
Over Barcelona, today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747.
Eyewitnesses report that the Reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

Colin Mochrie / Weird Newscasters / Whose Line Is It Anyway

J - What does high end Vietnamese food taste like?

T - ::pauses:: There is no high end!

Random conversation

Side note: Sorry handball, you're just tennis for poor people.

Stephen Colbert / I Am America and So Can You

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Stephen Colbert / I Am America and So Can You